dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
