lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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