My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
