I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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