the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
