You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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