9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
