I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
