she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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