??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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