My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
