Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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