theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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