Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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