Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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