my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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