when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
