he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
