Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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