A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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