We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
