her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
