my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize