Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Success! We fucked roommates!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
