I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
