I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
