dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
