Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize