if you like me you must not know who I am
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
