my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
