I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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