Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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