no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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