he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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