The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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