I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize