The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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