I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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