drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
