I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i will never coherently bang her
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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