3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
