The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize