The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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