There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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