i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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