The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
