Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
