i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
