i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize