I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
