If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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