i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
