I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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