i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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