No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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