Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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