just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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