Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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