i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
